trapped by a need for certainty? here's how to escape

Last week’s newsletter about the need for significance was opened by a record number of readers.  There’s a reason for that: significance is said to be one of six core needs that we all value, in various orders of priority.

This week, we look at another core need that may resonate – and that's the need for certainty.  This is about seeking comfort, security, control, safety and predictability.  If this is one of your top needs, you’ll do all you can to avoid chaos and the unexpected – even when this isn’t good for you. 

Unresourceful ways of meeting the need for certainty can include:

• Attempting to control the people around you so that there are no ‘surprises’. This can include possessiveness, passive or active aggression, anger, manipulation and nagging.

• Doing all the work yourself so you’re certain it’s done, or done ‘properly’, rather than delegating - causing overwhelm, stress and friction.

• Perfectionism, over-planning and over-organising to an extent that this slows you down or stalls progress altogether.

• Comfort eating or other distractions that stop you from engaging in ‘real life’ because it’s ‘safer’ – avoiding relationships to prevent potential hurt.

• Only associating with certain people – avoiding meeting new people.

• Staying in a relationship or a career in which you're unhappy, rather than stepping out of your comfort zone (better the devil you know).

• Being paralysed from taking action in case it’s ‘not the right choice’ – playing it safe and missing out on opportunities.

• Waiting for ‘the right time’ (after you’ve done X, Y and Z) to do things like change jobs, have a baby or take a holiday – even if ‘the right time’ never comes.

• Avoiding spontaneity and missing out on experiences.

• Thinking like a victim - preferring the predictability of thoughts such as,‘this always happens to me’/’I never get the job’/’it wouldn’t work out’, over the perceived scariness of going out on a limb.

• Staying stagnant or in a rut – not wanting to try new things, like dating, submitting your novel to publishers, starting a business, or applying for your dream job – because it’s ‘safer’ to keep these in 'future potential' rather than risk something not working out.

• Fearing failure and worrying about things like performance appraisals, to the extent that performance drops (‘performance anxiety’).

• Saving money excessively (for a rainy day) to the point of excluding fun.

• Habitual behaviours, rigid consistency to routines, rituals and even obsessive-compulsive actions.

• Addictions to things like substances, self-harm, eating, not eating, social networking, helplessness etc.

Many of these actions can fulfil the needs for significance and for certainty, and the more needs that one action fulfils for you, the more entrenched the behaviour can become.

Here are some simple, resourceful approaches to meeting the need for certainty:

• Establish a new, fun, flexible routine - choose meditation and exercise, have regular ‘date nights’, catch up with friends regularly, book annual holidays and regular weekends away.

• Save three months’ salary for emergencies.

• Work on creating supportive, stable relationships with those closest to you.

• Organise your personal paperwork and filing – know where things are.

• Book regular health checkups.

• Have regular catch-ups with your manager to discuss your performance and keep on track.

• Undertake self-improvement or study - gain new skills and knowledge.

These avenues involve putting trust in yourself, setting yourself up for the highest chance of success and proactively reducing ‘fear of the unknown’ - rather than being a slave to the exhausting and ultimately fruitless quest to control everything around you. 

It’s about creating opportunities for fun, spontaneity, balance and opportunity.