rockin' mamma interview - happy mums at home

This interview was first published on Kirri White's 'Happy Mums at Home' website.  The questions were so thought-provoking, I encourage you to answer them for yourself some time...

Leave your Wonder Woman outfit for fancy dress parties.  Model for your kids that it’s okay to fall over and scuff your knees, as long as you get up again, dust yourself off, say sorry if you hurt someone and move on. Life’s not perfect, so why should motherhood be?  ~Emma Grey

Kirri begins:

I was introduced to Emma by my neighbor around 18 months ago, in the middle of a fear and adventure zone  (otherwise known as creating an online business).

I recall looking at her online bio and being slightly intimidated.  She already had her own life-coaching and consultancy company, was a published author and freelance writer!

What I experienced with Emma, was someone who freely and kindly shared her knowledge, and has continued to eagerly support and encourage me ever since.

I guess thats why she makes the perfect January girl.

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What’s the one thing you do to take care of yourself?

I’m in the habit of starting each day with a 5km walk with my dog, my baby and anyone else who’s awake.  It’s a peaceful, energising way to clear my mind, plan the day and dream up the plot in the novel I’m writing.

What’s one thing you love about yourself?

I have a blanket of support wrapped around me from my family and friends.   Loving these people – the ones who are with me on the roller coaster, experiencing the thrills and the scary parts – and being loved by them is the single greatest joy in my life.   I think I must be doing something right to have collected such a wonderful bunch of special people, who love me ‘just as I am’ (to borrow a quote from Bridget Jones).

What’s one thing you know to be true about yourself?

I have to write.  I’ve known this forever, and the passion just gets stronger and stronger.  I remember curling up as a fourteen-year-old with a notebook and a pen, feeling the thrill of a blank page.  A new Word document gives me the same thrill now.

What’s one thing that used to scare you that no longer does?

Public speaking, which is apparently one of the most common fears. I started loving it when I finally got out of my own head (Am I speaking too fast? Are they awake?  Is there something on my nose?  Gahh!), and learnt to focus entirely on serving the audience.  Now it gives me a real ‘high’.

What have you overcome?

One of the things that I’m most proud of is bringing my young daughters confidently through an amicable divorce a few years ago, and establishing a strong, kind and trusting relationship with their step-mother.  I wrote about it here.

What’s the best thing about being a mum?

The best thing is also the scariest thing – it’s the letting go, little by little, as my children gradually become independent adults.  I remember letting go when they each took their first steps, and I’ve been gently letting go ever since, as they learn to handle themselves in life. Watching them try, stumble and triumph is a gift.  I’ll always be right there, to catch them if they fall – and so they can turn around when they get it right and say, ‘Mummy!  Look at me!!’ even if they’re twenty-eight and walking down the aisle at the time.

What’s the worst thing about being a mum?

The times when you can’t ‘fix it’ for them.  This is related to the letting go, but there are some battles that you just can’t fight for your kids, and it hurts having to stand back and watch if they’re out of their depth.   Whether they’re the ‘new kid’, or have friend problems, or they’re sitting a hard exam, sometimes I just want to ride in on my white horse and rescue them.  At the end of the day, though, I’m a better mum if I teach them to be ‘self-rescuing’.

What is your biggest distraction?

Without a doubt – Facebook. I get such a buzz out of engaging with people that way and my online mums’ group hangs out there, along with most of my friends.

In three words, what do you live for?

Hannah.  Sophie.  Sebastian.  I live ‘for’ my kids, and not ‘through’ them.  There’s a risk of ‘losing yourself’ as you become immersed in life as Mum and I work hard to ensure that this doesn’t happen to me, or to my family (I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone). While I couldn’t love anything more than I love my kids, I continue to feed my own dreams through my work and writing.  I think this sets an example for children that we all ‘matter’.  Even Mummy!

One of the proudest moments of my life as a parent was when I told my kids I was shelving my Masters’ degree, to spend more time with them.  My then six-year-old burst into tears and cried, ‘Mummy! You can’t give up on your dreams!’

What’s something that is harder for you than it is for most people?

This is something that a lot of other people struggle with too, but I have a strong need to be liked.  Linked to this, I find it hard to take criticism, particularly from strangers.  If I have a piece published and 299 of the comments in response are positive, I’ll tend to zero in on the person who didn’t like it – fighting that very common fear that ‘I’m not good enough’.

What is the number one key to happiness?

Authenticity.  If you’re free to be yourself with anyone, in any situation, there’s a sense that ‘all is right with the world.’

To me, happiness is supposed to be a fleeting emotion, like sadness, joy, anger, awe or disappointment.  Being permanently happy would be like living on a diet of only chocolate… seems good in theory, but you need contrast to really appreciate it!

I aim instead for overall contentment.

What’s the number one thing you intend to accomplish before you die?

I need to see the Aurora Borealis.  I’ve been fascinated by the Northern Lights for years, and this is right at the top of my ‘Bucket List’.

Another thing that I must do is write a Mills & Boon.  Don’t ask why – I simply have to write one!

How are you different now then when you were in high school?

In some ways, not very much. I’m still a romantic, and still see the glass as half full.  I love day-dreaming and thinking up plots for novels and still have crushes on boys (I’m looking at you, Simon Baker, and you, Nathan Fillion.  Oh, and you – my darling husband!)

I still talk to my high school best friends every single day, either by email, phone, Facebook or in person.  The fiction trilogy that I’m writing is set in High School – so perhaps I spend too much time there in my imagination!

What do you have a hard time saying No to?

This is something I’ve had to teach myself how to do because, for a long time, I had a hard time saying no to anyone (see previous response about need to be liked!)

I’ve taught myself that saying no gives meaning to my ‘yes’.  If I focus on what matters most right now, and how much of myself those priorities deserve, it becomes far easier to decline opportunities, requests and demands that don’t serve the central stuff.

What is worth the pain?

Love.

There’s a beautiful quote in the movie, ‘Shadowlands’ about the ‘happiness now’ being part of the ‘pain later’.  The more intensely we love, the bigger the gap in our lives when we lose that love, or that person.

Love is a big, deep, ‘worth it’ risk.

What do you want to remember forever?

My parents.  I know they won’t always be with us, and I want to bottle how our family is when it’s together and keep that immeasurable love with me for the rest of my life. If I can get to my parents’ age, and be as patient, giving and supportive as they have been, I’ll be able to say, hand on heart – I’m a great mum.