how is your problem keeping you safe?

There's a type of behaviour that I call ‘running-away busy’.  It’s where you have a serious issue that you need to address – like a troubled relationship – and you manifest a ridiculous schedule so that there’s ‘no time’ to confront the problem.

Often, there’s a hidden benefit in keeping a problem 'live'.  It’s called ‘secondary gain’, and most of us are unaware that it’s happening.

Here are some problems (with the secondary gain in brackets):

• A woman is unhappy that she's overweight.  (Dating makes her anxious - while she’s overweight she feels she can avoid it.)

• A highly competent person treads water career-wise and feels stagnated.  (The person fears failure and there's less chance of that in your comfort zone.)

• You avoid addressing a chronic health problem.  (When you’re sick, you’re nurtured by your family and friends.) 

• An exhausted mum takes on the lion’s share of parenting duties, and discourages her husband's involvement, then resents the situation. (Being ‘chief parent’ makes her feel significant.)

• You suffer writer’s block.  (A blank page can’t be criticised.)

• You're spread too thinly.  (People admire you for doing a lot of things - you feel important.)

• You stay in an unhappy career or relationship.  (Your ‘fear of the unknown’ isn’t triggered.)

Our subconscious minds know what is best for us.  They work to keep us safe. 

If you have a persistent problem, and feel frustrated and stuck and can’t articulate why - it’s worth asking the rather unintuitive question: ‘Is there something about having this problem that is working well for me?’

When you uncover what having the problem is giving you – you’ll release the need to stay propped up by it ... 

And then you'll be able to find other, more resourceful ways to meet those hidden needs, and to step away from the problem at last.